You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
