I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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