I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
