Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
