My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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