I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
