Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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