Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
