ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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