why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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