I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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