It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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