Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
