It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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