thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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