I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
