i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
