I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
