i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
