shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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