I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
