At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
third nipple confirmed
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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