I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
