shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize