I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
