Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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