somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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