get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
