Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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