I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
