Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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