Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
