the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
