My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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