I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
