got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
