I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
