i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
