bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
