you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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