I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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