the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
