I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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