okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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