dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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