it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize