there's paper in my vomit.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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