is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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