mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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