He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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