i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
