She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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