so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
