i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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